stream of thoughts
by CercandoUnaVoce
Summary: Spoiler 6X15-20 extended/missing scenes, trying to explore charcters's thoughts. Basically Otis but a lot of chicago fire's characters are present. This is my first fanfiction ever, I'm not native english speaker so I tried my best and I'm sorry for grammar mistake. Any comments and critics will be very apprecieted.
1. 6x15

"I don't know Joe, we're trying..."

At those words Cruz jumped in the ambulance with his unconscious friend, while Brett was trying to keep him alive till they could make to Med.

Otis wasn't moving, his pressure was at minimum, his heartbeat was barely stable.

That was the worst part of the job: watching a friend in distress and can do nothing.  
They were all used to jump in the action, and try to save the day, but this time was different. They were doing their best to protect the family, but what if their best wasn't enough?

While Dowson was trying to drive as fast and safe as she could, monitoring him and making sure the IVs were fully working was the only thing Sylvie could do, except for praying.  
And they all did.

.

"It's fine, Otis is fine."

Those words meant a lot more for Hermann and the others than just "call me whatever you want"; the surgery went well, the bullet was out, their friend was going to be fine.

Otis was overwhelmed by how much his friends and colleagues cared for him;  
he wasn't really used to be at the center of the attention, not at house 51, where he often felt like he was still a candidate, even after almost 10 years of service, not in his childhood, being the last of three children with his parents always telling him: "why can't you be more like your brothers?"

This time however they were all there supporting him and that, for sure, was helping reliving the pain.

He was really grateful, and he wanted to say something more than just "thank you guys," but he couldn't; the surgery was too much, the pain in his head and neck was starting to grow really bad, and now he needed to rest.

The guys noticed he was struggling to keep his eyes open so they left his room, always smiling to him to make him feel their love.

.

"Let's just me check on something."

Dr. Choi's words resonated in Otises mind, he tried not to show Lily and Joe how much scared he was, he didn't want them to panic as much as he did, but that was really hard.

He wasn't feeling his legs, he couldn't move his toes.

He said "I'm sure it's nothing," but he was sure of anything.

That was too much, his world stopped, his head started to spin.

His mind was a stream of thoughts:  
"when did that happened? How did I miss that? How didn't I noticed before?  
What is wrong whit me?  
What's next? What am I gonna do? What if..."

He couldn't go on that way, so he tried to act strong, and asked Lily to hand him some water so he could ease the shock, and, at the same time, make her feel useful.

Otis was confused, he was in pain and he was exhausted.  
He suddenly felt his body heavy, at least the parts that he could still feel, and started to grow uncomfortable with the collar and all the tubes he was attached at; he had a tube in his nose to provide oxigen, two IVs in his left arm, an oximeter attached to his right hand, a cardiac monitor attached to his chest, and even a catheter, "of course, since I can barely move I can't even go to the bathroom on my own," he tough "oh man, what if I'll never be able to that again."

The room was silent for long, no one knew what to say, and suddenly it was time for guest to go and leave the patient all alone with his thoughts.

That was going to be a long night.


	2. 6x16

"Dr. Choi has a plan."

Casey, Hermann, and Cruz were just trying to keep faith in the doctors, they couldn't let their emotions take over: they were there for support Otis, he was the one that mattered, and they couldn't let him down.

Otis sighted thoughtfully, he didn't know what to say, he was so confused and scared that he couldn't think clearly.  
"Thank you guys, I really appreciate your concern..." It was the only thing he was able to say, while all kind of terrible toughs were passing trough is mind.

"You know, our shift starts in 30 minutes, but I'm pretty sure your captain won't mind if one of us stays with you a little longer; he is a good captain," Casey said glancing at the other two firefighters.

Otis was absentminded, he just wanted to be alone to clear his mind, so, after a few seconds, he managed to answer his friend: "no need Cap, thanks... one of my brothers should be here any minute now... I'll be fine."

They were grateful Otis wasn't going to be alone, so they left, telling him to call them whatever he needed.

.

"He got his sensation back!"

Everyone was watching Otis standing, all 51 was there for him, happy to see him on his feet.

He was so relived to be able to move again that he got too confident, and tried to take a few steps, but his right leg gave way under his weight.  
His friends jumped in to help in no time, and he was again sitting on the wheelchair.  
"First day with new leg..." He said, trying to hide the embarrassment, while dr. Choi and captain Casey were trying to reassure him.

"As the doctor said I'll be there," Otis whispered, probably more to convince himself than his friends.

He could feel their looks on him, they were relieved to see the improvement in his condition, but they were still worried for him;  
as much as he was feeling their support, he was also feeling embarrassed and vulnerable in front of them, and he didn't want to be seen like that.

Otis was trying to act like everything was normal, but he knew it wasn't, the road ahead was longer and harder than they all were hoping.

.

"You should rest, sorry if I got in the way."

The moment Lily got out of his room Otis laid down on the bed, feeling a complete idiot.

He was scared she was going to get tired of him, and left him when he needed her most;  
he was scared not to be enough for her, "she deserves better, having to go through all these isn't fair for her," he thought.

But really he didn't want her to go.  
He was just trying to protect his own heart, already broken by what it was going on at the firehouse.

His work may not be his work anymore, the guy that was replacing him was strong, "-he was just standing there-, yes, because HE could stand" Otis thought, something so easy that was so hard for him to do right now.

And now, he was alone, his head in conflict with his heart, his pride going in the way.

He didn't need to act strong in front of his friends just to do them a favor, he needed to be strong with them by his side.

"What am I doing now?" he thought.


	3. Family

Author's note: for this chapter I tried something different, I didn't start with a quote, but I invented a scene that wasn't in the episode. I used details from Otis' past that popped out in the previous seasons; I tried to invent the least possible and I deducted and guessed the rest.

* * *

.

Dimitri entered Molly's bar, and approached the counter, "Hi, are you Dowson or Kidd?" He asked the waitress.  
"Who wants to know?" Asked wary Gabby.  
"You're right, sorry, I'm Dimitri... Zvonecek," he replied, "I'm..." "you're Brian's brother," Hermann interrupted, popping up from the back.  
"Yep, and you must be Hermann!" He quickly replied.

Hermann shook his hand:"Christopher, nice to meet you and this is," "Gabriela Dowson," she added.

While they were making presentation other two man approached from the bottom of the counter, "Hi I'm Mouch and this is captain Casey," one of them said. "Nice to meet you, I heard a lot about all of you," Dimitri replied.

"C'mon have a sit, we'll offer you a drink," Hermann told him.  
"Sorry I can't, I'm a doctor and I'm on call tonight, I just stopped by to thank you for all you're doing for my brother, it's so important to know you always have his back."  
"Hey, he is our brother too," assured Hermann, while everyone nodded.

Then Dimitri set on a stool in the corner, and started talking about his family: "I mean, the Zvoneceks are a really big tribe, but when my parents came to the US from Russia, they were alone. They had to start a new life, raising their children in a new country, and that was challenging for them," he paused looking around.

"You know, Brian is the youngest of three children, and he struggled all his life to keep up whit us," he continued;

"Vlad, our older brother, and I were always competing for something, always trying to do better than the other, from school to sports, everything was good to be our next challenge. Brian instead... He has always been different; he never pulled back a challenge, that's for sure, but he always tried to track his own way, and in this own way, he was always up to something new and often wierd, I bet you know what I'm talking about."

While everyone smiled thinking about the Japanese robot and all the other stuff Otis was non-stop up to, Hermann started thinking more deeply.  
The situation sounded familiar to him, he has a big family too, and he started to understand more about his friend and about why he was always so unsure, and willing to do more.

"My parents never really wanted him to be a firefighter," Dimitri continued, as his audience was listening carefully;  
"they told him all the time to be more like his older brothers, to become a doctor like us, and all those kind of things, but he never listened;  
he has always been the stronger among the three of us..." He paused, thinking about his younger 'brat' in an hospital bed.

"He had the strength to follow his dream, despite anything, and if now he can't do that anymore I don't know..."

"Hey he will always be a firefighter, no matter what, " interrupted Casey putting a hand over Dimitri's shoulder, "we will do everything we can to make sure he is ok."

"Thanks, he will need you..." Dimitri took a deep breath before going on, "I can tell being sick is the thing Brian fear the most.  
You know, when he was 17 my father got sick, leukemia, he fought hard for two years but it wasn't enough...  
Vlad was an intern at the time, and I had just started studying medicine, so we could understand in a better way what was going on, and tried to pull strength for him...  
But the truth is the one that did most for my father was my little brother... he was the one still living at my parent's home, he was the one who was there for the little things, day and night to the very end.  
That hit hard on him, the last couple of months were heartbreaking. He had to give up a lot of things in that period, and I'm sure what he is thinking now is that he doesn't want anyone to be put in a situation like that;  
he prefers to try on his own, but I don't know if this time he can."

The firefighters were silent for a moment, they knew that for people like them asking for help wasn't easy, their pride had to be strong to do what they did, but they didn't expect a story like that.

"We are not people who give up easily," assured Mouch with the others' approval, "we know how to break through a door if it is necessary."


	4. 6x17

"You think about it and let me know."

Otis looked at chief Boden as he was exiting the room;  
'a desk job? a desk job! He just offered me a desk job...' He thought;  
at that moment he couldn't do better than repeat those words in his mind.

He was thinking about their meaning, the real one.

'-It would be really good to have you around the firehouse-, yeh, really good he said, -as a special favor to me- he also said' Brian's mind was full of all kind of doubts.

'Coming back at the firehouse, with all the guys, oh God I'm looking forward to do that, that's for sure but... like this?' he watched down at his feet,  
'I have to grab a support just to stand, I have to use a cane to walk, and I am sweat as if I had run a marathon, just for taking a few step beck and forward to the room... Yes I'm making progress fast, not so long ago I couldn't feel my legs, then my collogues saw me falling for trying to take just a single step, and look at me now... but they saw me here, at the hospital, where I am not supposed to be at my best, not in my workplace where I'm supposed to be able to give help and not to need it."

Otis was so confused and even a little scared.  
'It would be so good to be able to work this soon, even if I can't jump on the truck yet, but will I be able to do something useful? What am I gonna do in the bullpen?'  
'What are going to think the others? What if they think I'm giving up, and I don't want to come back in the field?'  
'And what if I accept the offer and then I find myself stuck at that desk for the rest of my carrier?'  
That was the thing he was really worried about.

He was completely overwhelmed by all these thoughts, but at the and, he knew what the right thing to do was: he was ready to try this challenge.

.

"-Squad 3, truck 81, ambulance 61 electrical danger...-"

Otis stood there while everyone else ran to their vehicles to answer the call.

'Ok, that's great! I'm just arrived and I already regret it... everyone is out doing their job, 'cause I can't even say 'my job' anymore, at least not right now, and I'm stuck here doing nothing.'

"Allright then, let's go find my desk.. oh... this doesn't sound completely right..." He thought, as he walked through the house to reach his new workplace.

Otis wasn't really thrilled to start this new thing,  
'ok, so the chief said that I'm the man my friend should call if they have any needs... And they seemed to be happy to see me...  
The applause thing was a little awkward tough... I just hope to be able to help...'  
he paused, and took a deep breath, 'oh, men it was so hard watching all them jump in the action while I couldn't.'

"Ok! let's do this," he said to himself, sitting down in front of Connie.

.

"I have to talk to the head quarter, dcfs and pd..."

The chief said Connie, and then he walked into his office, glancing at Otis.

'Ok, that look was awkward... I feel so useless, am I supposed to do something or..?' he thought before 'jumping in the action', at least for what he could do, and hand the numbers the chief requested to Connie looking at her as he would tell "I can help!" but of course without saying it... She was scaring sometimes...

.

"This is a bad idea."

Otis said, trying to exit the firehouse as fast as he could, which wasn't even close to be fast enough for him, he would just disappear;  
and it was painful too, but he didn't feel the pain in his body, he was too heartbroken for that.  
That was hard to watch, even for Chief Boden.

Just a minute before, Brian was so glad to have accepted the desk job, he was happy to finally have done something good, which he felt like he hadn't done in ages, and now it came out that wasn't good at all!

He felt terrible and guilty, 'it was my idea... I made the kid talk and maybe I haven't ask the right question, this is all my fault.. oh God what if the kid had been hurt?' he thought 'I'm a complete disaster.. I'm not only useless I'm even dangerous!'

.

"Again, I sincerely apologize."

Otis said, trying to explain Zee's mother how bad he was feeling for what happened to her child, and how bad he wanted to make up for that, but the woman slammed the door into his face.

He was devastated;  
'I couldn't totally blame her, I risked her child safety,' he thought, coming painfully down the stairs.

Then he noticed the sticker on the back of the car,  
'what the hell? This is quite new, this is the famous purple mr. doggie that helped me making Zee talk and those are both the parents! They are trying to tip us off, I have to do something'.

So he hardly reached the door again, and he managed to take a picture to the two scammers.

'And now let's make up with the chief for what happened, before he can take the blame,' he though, driving back to the firehouse.

.

"And Otis, Thanks!"  
"no problem."

Neither of them knew who was the one that was doing the other a favor, they were just helping each other.

Boden was happy that his firefighter was cooping well with his injury, he was sure Otis could really help in the bullpen.

On the othar end Otis was really glad to have showed he wasn't useless, and to still be able to work in the firehouse, but just till he could be able to jump on the truck again.


	5. 6x18

"The important thing is that you'll get there."  
"I hope so, thanks captain."

Casey left, and Otis remained at his desk, feeling stuck there he started dwelling:

"he his right, I should not put a clock on this.

It's easy to say...

I am trying to not show my frustration,  
but maybe it's not working that well since he felt he had to talk to me like that...

If I only could tell him how I am really feeling right now...

'It's just going so slow that I'm starting to doubt on myself,  
What if I can't make it?  
I mean I know I sustained a severe injury, but right after the first surgery I felt fine...  
And then my world collapsed.  
And after I got my sensation back, I just thought it was all going to be ok... but it's not.'

Yes, I should told him that, but it's just too hard to admit that I'm struggling, and that I am starting to think this is over my head.

No one can help me in this but me...

I'm already feeling enough useless and powerless, and I don't want to be the cause of someone else feeling like that..."

Suddenly he was brought back to reality by another firefighter that put a file on Connie's desk, and then he tried to distract himself from those thoughts with some work.

.

"You are ok if I make Otis drive?"

When Casey told Otis he could drive the truck he felt a real firefighter again, even if it was only for a couple of meters.

When the call arrived, and the captain gave the green light, he went up to the front seat of the truck; he limped, he grabbed all the supports he could find to reach his goal without falling on the ground, and climbed hardly to the driving seat, hoping everyone would be too busy to notice how he was struggling.

.

"Hey dumb dumb, you still part of the gang, you always will be."

Boden, Casey, Mouch and Dowson all approved Hermann's words, they really believed in that, and they didn't completely understand how couldn't he feel the same.

Otis felt relived form those words, he was so unsure during that period of rehabilitation,  
he always felt his friends' support, but he really needed to be reassured, and to feel fully part of the family again.


	6. 6x19

"Am I close?"

"I have a few more tests to put you trough."

The doctor's expression was impenetrable, but Otis could clearly feel something wasn't going as he was hoping.

He was sweat and tired, but he was so willing to be cleared for duty that he would do whatever he needed to.

"I told you it's not a competition, you should stick to the prescription and don't go your own way.  
You can go now, we will call you back in a few days," the doctor said and left the room.

He was confused and discouraged, his legs were trembling, not for the fatigue, but for the feeling that he failed the evaluation.

.

"I don't know, I feel every time I make a progress, they move the gold post."

"It's a process Otis, don't give up."

Otis nodded at the chief, and looked at the guy who was replacing him on the truck leaving the bullpen as a call arrived.

He was trying to seem cool with it, but every time he saw his colleagues responding a call, he felt like that wasn't his place anymore.

His friends told him all the time to not give up, and to be patient, but he was losing it, he was tired to be the one that had do be cheered up.

.

"But she told you to not over train...

Otis, we all want you back on the truck, but it's not worth risking your entire carrier to rush it, right?"

He shook his head, he desperately wanted to come back, he could hear the clock ticking every time he thought about that.

"She said I'm pushing myself too hard, but I need this, ok?"

"I know! I hear you, but c'mon you have to think long term here, it won't be a short term problem if you hurt yourself instead of healing.  
There will always a place for you in 51." Sylvie said trying to reassure him.

He took a sip of his beer,  
he wonted to answer her: 'you don't know nothing, you can't understand me!' But he held back,  
she was his friend, she was trying to help and he didn't want to talk back and disappoint her.

.

"... the work we do is bigger than anyone person.  
Finding someone that really gets what this house is about... that's a rare thing.  
You have got that in Cordova."

Saying that cost Otis a lot;

"You know...  
I hated that guy at first because I felt like he was stealing my place, but now... He actually earned it, he proved himself in the field and his behavior improved a lot in the past weeks...  
He got it, he noticed how you all are supporting me, so he is rooting for me for my assessment... and he is the one that's replacing me!"

"You don't know all the fact," Casey said.

"Maybe. But..."

'This house means too much for me, I don't want to get in the way of it,' Otis thought

"I don't wonna be the one holding everyone back," he said.  
"So... If I don't get my clearance this week, I'm planning to step aside"

"Go to your assessment. and get your result, we'll taking form there"

They shook their hands.

"Thanks for hearing me out."

Casey nodded and watched Otis exiting his office,

'What just happened? His he really giving up?  
No way! He is just putting the house welfare before his own, that's the man we need in this firehouse! We won't let him giving up' he thought.

.

Otis was sitting in the waiting room, his hands on his face, exhausted for all the wait, and feeling unsure and anxious to get his evaluation done.

'C'mon this is the truth time, do I have to step back, or can I jump back in the service?  
Oh man, this is so stressful, what I am gonna do if I fail?'

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating.  
It was a message from Cruz, than he received another one from Hermann, and another one, and so on... all the 51 was thinking of him.

He smiled, he felt relived and full of confidence,  
'I'm not going to disappoint the guys...'

"Mr. Zvonecek?" a nurse said

"Right here."

" Ready?"

"Yeah" he said, putting away his phone,  
"I'm ready."  
Of course he was,  
after feeling all that support and love from his friends, he couldn't be more ready.


	7. 6x20

"You are cleared to return to active duty."

Otis was so concerned to fail that it took him a few seconds to realize what the doctor was saying,

'c'mon doc just tell me the bad news... I'm ready... ' He was thinking,

'wait... what did he just said?' He started to realize.

"Yes!" he screamed that loud that everyone in the waiting room could hear that.

He couldn't feel happier.

He thanked the doctor, and jumped out of the room,  
he couldn't wait to tell his friends the good news.

.

The morning briefing was done and Otis was officially back on the job.

He found himself surrounded by compliments and welcome words.

'I'm so glad to be back,' he thought;

'the cane ceremonial was unexpected, that made me feel embarrassed enough to feel fully part of the family again!

This is so damn good'

.

"We should set up some spring training to see who's best behind the wheel of 81."

"Works for me."

"Yea, great."

Otis wasn't happy at all,  
he though the things already came back to normal,  
he wanted to drive the truck since he was a kid, and he waited five years to be able to do that;  
he wasn't going to give up, but at the same time he didn't feel quite ready to challenge Kidd.

Stella instead was sure Otis would accept: he has never given up a competition with her.  
She liked driving the truck for real, but she didn't really wanted to steal Otis' spot;  
She just didn't like how Hermann and Mouch was babying him, and at the end she set up all this just to make him step up, and demonstrate he his back at 100%.

.

"You got this Otis."

Hermann attempt of encouragement wasn't really good, Otis knew he was rooting for him, and he was just trying to relieve the tension, but reminding him the one time he made a stupid mistake just made him feeling more agitated.

The exact moment the truck went out of the parking lot with the sirens off they all knew he screwed up.

"Oh!" Otis exclaimed, trying to not make things worse.

'Great! I'm done...' He thought, keeping driving, and following the path Casey gave him.

'Fool, what a fool...' He kept thinking, knowing his chance to having back the driving spot were minimum at that time.

.

"He is going to peak my name, so this is my moment of maximum leverage."

Stella knew how important was for Otis to drive the truck, so she exploited his insecurity;

Otis was becoming to think she was really better than him, and he would never be back as before;

so they negotiated and made a deal.

.

"Otis, you are back as the driver."

Everyone was happy that things returned to normal, and felt like Otis finally came back for real.

Otis was relived and glad to be on full duty again, but at the end he knew it wasn't completely because of him.

Stella wasn't entirely happy to have to give the keys back, but at the end she reached her goal: she was glad that her plan worked, and that the captain approved what she did.


End file.
